Last night, or this morning – I’m not sure which – I had a vision, or maybe a dream; that I was going to send Gibb’s Cave, and then Minor Threat, and then Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
It didn’t fire me up. I didn’t feel overly psyched. I just felt calm. Like it was a given. Not inevitable, and gained without hard work, but like, as long as I followed my true path the success would come.
I was almost derailed. The two people who I was supposed to climb with both bailed. Usually this would result in a lot of negativity from me as I don’t enjoy climbing alone. In fact, I usually actively dislike it. One of the reasons that I love climbing is that, while it is an individual sport, it is very social at the same time. When I climb alone, I get too lost in the chatter in my head. I over-analyse, I put myself down, and I don’t get the competitive element that fires up my psych.
The author contemplating the boulders. Photo courtesy of Tiffany Melius ©
As I did my regular morning exercises, breathing and channeling my power, I kept coming back to the serenity and certainty of the vision I had had. Everything felt right. My body was feeling capable and rested, and at the same time ready for action. The sun was shining in that beautiful fall way where it’s clear but not harsh. The sky was bluebird with wisps of clouds high in the stratos. The air temperatures were in the high teens – perfect for me. When my hands and feet get too cold the pain negates any ‘pleasure’ that comes from the added friction from low temperatures. And it was cool enough that there was little humidity in the air, on the rock, from my hands.
I drove the sea to sky, choosing music that took me back to Rocklands. The first time I went. When I was alone, independent, and living as a single woman for the first time in my adult life. When I rented a car on my own out of the airport and felt like such a grown up! When I was internally empowered.
When I walked into the forest all was quiet. I passed people on the path, but there were no other climbers around. I did a couple of warm-up problems, marvelling at the – yep, you guessed it – serenity of the forest. When I wasn’t able to do a low-grade warm-up I shrugged it off. That is not the problem that today is about.
I walked to Gibb’s Cave, grabbed some stash pads and set up under the problem. I gave fleeting acknowledgement to thoughts as they passed through my consciousness:
“There is sun on the rock, that might make it slippery.”
“I usually have Simon spotting closely on this problem. What will happen if I fall?”
“There is noone here, what if I don’t want it enough?”
“I haven’t linked the top section before, what if I get there and I can’t do it?”
But none of these thoughts settled.
I reacquainted myself with the moves. The rock feels good. My body feels good. I rest more between attempts than I usually do. Each attempt is going to matter today.
I put music on. There is noone else around to think about.
I fall going for the last hold. I fall and the landing is fine. I am psyched. I work out the hand beta.
I fall going for the last hold. I fall and the closeness of the attempt threatens my serenity. Tears come to my eyes. Is today going to end in disappointment just like every other day? Am I fooling myself? I work out the foot beta.
I sit and breathe. I invoke the serenity of my vision. I notice my surrounding and blend myself into the rock and trees and air.
I stand and breathe – inflate and emanate. I invoke my inner power and channel it into my connection with the rock.
I change songs. And then I send the problem.
I scream with joy as I grab the last hold, and the tears well up in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Feelings of self-worth, that I am as good as the other girls, fill up my chest. As I top out the boulder and sit on the peak. I cry and sob and give thanks that I am alone. Give thanks that I can have this moment to myself, to feel as deeply as I need to, without censoring myself because of the presence of others. It was meant to be this way.
I descend the boulder and meet up with Michelle, who I have been texting with my progress. She gives me a hug and puts the icing on my cake. She is at Worm World Cave, another of my projects and my Squamish nemesis. I give it a few half-hearted attempts and then leave it alone. Not today. This problem is not for today.
I leave to try Minor Threat on my own, and re-learn the moves. It feels like I’ve forgotten everything on it, and I don’t want to commit to the crux at the end because I only have one pad. I ask Michelle to come join me and I send first try after she arrives. I tell her about my vision and ask to go to Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She comes along.
I start to make excuses, “I’m tired now.”, “My skin hurts.”, “I’m not sure how many attempts I have on this.”, and then I shut up and get on. I send the problem first try, using beta I never saw before.
And my day was done. I sat in the sun and watched others on their problems, basking in the warm solar glow, blurring with the glow of contentment coming from inside me. And then I walked out of the forest, got in my car, and drove home.
Tiffany Melius is a local climber from North Vancouver. Her website can be found here.
